so there is me. covered in armour. ready for anything. except the one thing that is getting to me armour cannot protect. its either heartache or hunger, or a combination of both...i am not entirely too sure yet. my life is in such a strange place. its difficult to understand because i should have listened to everyone in the beginning. i should have listened to myself. i did not want to marry him when we did. i said we should wait.
actually. i cannot look into that. i need to look forward...not to the past. but then again...what was it t.s. eliot said? "[One cannot] find it preposterous that the past should be altered by the present as much as the present is directed by the past."
there's some food for thought.
we are all part of something larger than us, whatever we think that may be--spiritual or not. but we are dictated by our pasts, but is the past dictated by the present? well, we can change our opinions of the past based on emotions and occurrences of the present. yes, the past is modified by the present. for example, as eliot points out, a new work of art alters the old ones. the entire ideal order than all of the art created in the world forms is altered with the addition of a new one.
"The whole existing order must be, if ever so slightly, altered; and so the relations, proportions, values of each work of art toward the whole are readjusted."
awesome. thats all great and well and good. but how does this apply to this crumbling marriage that i am in right now? how is the present dictating the past? well, i cannot suppress how i felt in the past, well actually i could. and i have. but because of the current state of things, i am basically psychoanalyzing myself to bring up these repressed thoughts. there is my justification for thinking about how i felt in the past and how david treated me in the past. i have repressed it all into this depression that i am currently in. and i have blaming it on myself, thinking that i am in the wrong and perhaps david is right. that cannot be true. perhaps i am being selfish. but like i said before, its a self-preservation thing. [woot love actually]. i have to have a certain love for myself. i am have to keep myself alive. i am a temple for christ. i cannot destroy that temple through repression and depression and self-loathing. and here i am doing that.
but i am swindled into thinking that i am in the wrong. that i should second guess my faith. because if i loved jesus the way i say i do, then well, i would love david.
i looked up some "christian divorce" on google last night. it was a relieving page. ill expand upon that later, but now i have to devote myself to directing class....
jesus. be with me this morning. help me to see you and to know you. help me to take the less traveled path with you and hold your hand oh so tightly. god i need you so much right now. i need to understand and know what my heart is feeling right now. i need my heart to be conforted. thank you that you are not like this. thank you that my relationship and romance with you is so perfect and forgiving. thank you for loving me unconditionally. i know that that is what i struggle with the most. should i love david unconditionally? should i forget everything he has said and done in the past if he says he is willing to change? how much is too much? jesus, how i wish i was like you and could endure...oh god please help me.
be the moon...reflect the son...
i dont know what to do. church. family. i gave up antioch. i was so happy there. so happy in you god. he said i am not filled with the holy spirit. god i dont agree. and then i get scared. i get so scared that i am lying to myself. i do not know what to do. help me oh please help me.
i want out. i want to run far far away
away from everything. except the people i love.
those are the only things keeping me here. not my husband.
help me oh lord.
help my heart.
forgive me and help him. help him to let me go. please let that be in your will. i do not see this as love and if it is, i do not want to be a part of it. i want your love god. i made a mistake. i did. i want far far away. please. please. please.
i have given up so much. i know you gave up more, but god...this hurts so badly.
i miss my family. i miss you god. i hate being depressed. i wasnt depressed until david. get satan away from me. please send him away.
i want to play guitar again. i want to love you god. i want to focus on you. i want to do theatre.
no one understands me. the bartons do not understand that. david doesnt understand. laura. amy. no one. god.
i am not being selfish. i am being self-preservant. oh please help.
save me.
please.
please. i want to stop crying. i just want it all to end.
he wont fight for me. he gives up so easily. he says he loves me but he does not show it. i know i shut him out, but he shut me out for so long.
please help the bitterness in my heart. i am not who i say i am at all if i feel this bitter. BUT HE HAS HURT ME. I LEFT MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS AND MY CHURCH TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. HE DOESNT LIKE MY FAMILY AND HE DOESNT LIKE MY FRIENDS AND WOULD NOT GO TO ANTIOCH.
AND I AM HORRIBLE BECAUSE I CANNOT FORGIVE THESE THINGS. ALL THE TIMES HE MADE ME FEEL HORRIBLE. ALL THE TIMES HE IGNORED ME FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALL THE SWEET KISSES I TRIED TO GIVE HIM AND HE PUSHED ME AWAY...
AND NOW HE IS WILLING TO RUN. I AM BURNT AND DOWN AND DEPRESSED. IN A HOLE THAT HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND AND NOW I AM SELFISH. NOW I AM THE ONE WHO IS CAUSING THE MARRIAGE TO FAIL. I AM THE ONE WHO IS NOT COMMITTING AND SINCE I CANNOT FORGIVE AND GET OVER IT, ITS MY FAULT.
WELL THEN.
ill take the blame.
be the moon...reflect the son...
1.) the radical christ
2.) the radical mary
3.) love came first (about the protesters on campus)
so there is of course much more to elaborate on. but i have noticed in the past few weeks how liberal i am about christianity and i feel that [from what i can determine] that christ was incredibly liberal and radical--especially for his time.
with that said, i have to go get something to eat and finish some homework but i shall start on this tomorrow. hope everyone has a wonderful night.
best.
be the moon, reflect the son.
and laura and lee are david (my husband's) sister and his brother in law.
we had an amazing talk with amy tonight (davids other sister) and its so amazing to see how god is working in all of our lives. i feel that for so long i have been so distant from god. god is a relationship, and i feel that i have not called on him, i havent visited him. and just like any other relationship, its suffering. and i miss him. i miss feeling loved.
laura said something tonight that really hit me about god and negativity in the world. she said that we all concentrate on what other people say, especially negative things. and honestly, we all concentrate on the negative things moreso than the positive. for example, i concentrate on the fact that someone told me i was mean albeit that it was once in light of a hundred times people tell me they love me. but i dont hear the i love yous. i hear the 'im mad at you', 'you hurt me'...all of the negative things that come at us from the world.
and that hurts us. it hurts us all. it hurts us emotionally and mentally, and lowers our self-esteem. im writing this as more of a self-help awareness blog than for others, so please dont be offended.
i have found myself loathing me for so long that i take that to be normal.
and its not, that is the world getting to me.
and thats where it comes back to my relationship with god. and strengthening it. with that strengthened, i raise my self-esteem, i love myself because god loves me. its like in the book captivating, all girls want to be pursued. they want to be loved and treated like a princess. god put that in our hearts, and when we dont get that, when we listen to the world...we get hurt. and sometime beyond belief. to the point where we dont even know love anymore. sometimes i feel that i dont know love anymore, and im married. and newly married at that.
and it hurts. its the world getting to me. that is not god, and at the same time that is hopeful as well as discouraging. its discouraging because the world can get to us that easily, but its encouraging because god can cure us, he can save us. we just have to open our hearts to him.
and thats what im rediscovering. loving god and letting myself be loved by god.
im glad that god has provided this time for all of us to rest at christmas and regroup, and make note of our priorities.
thank jesus for all that he does.
be the moon...reflect the son.
today has been one of the best days that i have had in quite sometime. if youve known me for the past few months consistently then youll know that ive been down like no one's busyness...its nuts. but the weather is beautiful today and everything is line for happiness.
ive been reflecting lately on my priorities and where my motivation stands, if there is any at all. and come to think of it, ive been asking god, GOD PLEASE MOTIVATE ME TO PRAISE YOU, TO LOVE YOU, TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, MOTIVATE ME GOD I DONT WANT TO BE TIRED AND BURNT OUT I WANT TO BE ON FIRE!
and then i realize, hey um thats not for god to do. thats all me. and it revived something in me that i cant put into words. its funny though that without hearing someone say something profound, without having a "motivational speech" i just waited for an answer and then i was like oh my gracious, there He is, there is God.
i want to go to god and spend time with me, i dont want it to be forced. and thats how it should be. you cant hold a gun to someone's head and have them profess their love for you, of course they will utter "i love you" its going to save their life, but where is the emotion behind it. there isnt.
god cannot motivate me to go to him, i have to want to, and therefore, glorify him more.
and ill do that. or atleast im working on it.
and that is another addition to this beautiful day.
jesus still loves me.
thats unfathomable. but thank the lord, i would be lost.
be the moon...reflect the son...
its strange to come back and read some of the things you wrote years ago, sometimes less sometimes more.
oh how we change.
the past few weeks i have been rather contemplative of my standing by the people and in the places that surround me. i have discovered that i have completely stripped away who i am and who i want to be.
imagine digging into someone's skin and leaving a wound. but instead of healing it, or getting medication to do so, you keep tearing and gnawing at the wound, not only making it worse, but making it so it is unable to heal.
i believe that is the most precise representation of my heart. i have neglected so much of who i am and my own identity in the past few months that ive been become this open wound that im afraid is never going to heal.
i cry so many times a day and even over the most minute things.
i have a void in my life and ive been trying to fill it. with anything that i think can satisfy me.
but as i was reading last night before i went to bed, i was reading an article that was a study on happiness and depression and the materialistic things that we attept to satisfy ourselves with. apparently, as most of you already know, materialistic things fail to satisfy our deepest desires. we search for instant gratification and satisfaction, but we always come up short. we can never seem to get enough.
and its so true. there is only one thing that can truly satisfy us and that is God. i am preparing to go on a trip with the youth at cedar springs presbyterian and i can tell you, if you bluntly ask God what is on your heart, and if it is pure and not self-seeking (to some degree) He will provide.
i have witnessed this on more than one occasion and He is faithful. 2 Corinthians 7:14 and Luke 18:1 want us to whole-heartedly seek God and continually ask for what we want. yes what we want.
God's way is not always so far astray from our own wants and desires. God wants us to be happy. he wants us to delight in Him. and we want to be happy and we want to delight. therefore, we can delight in god and trust that he knows what is best for us. as our parents do when we are younger, yet we do not know then, he knows what is best.
its amazing what god does in our lives. without us knowing. how everything is for the benefit of Him.
*****************************************************************************
i logged onto here to write a new blog and found this old one saved here, so i decided to keep it upon reading it. i wanted to get back into the habit of writing on here and using it as a source to find who i am. it's funny how we can retrograde back into what we used to do, something we thought made us happy at the time. i remember times when i lived with adam and logan, or when i lived in sequoyah hills and when i look back upon it, i think, i was happy and content then, but the truth is i wasnt. im trying to find happiness in my life through things and places, and i cant seem to do it. its interesting that i can imagine and create this place where i was happy and make myself think that i was when i really wasnt.
i guess all of this shows that looking to the past for hope is worthless and i should redirect my eyes to the future.
or i should just stop worrying and concentrate on the present.
easier said than done.
goodjobheather.
come back soon.thanks.
good-byes: thanks for everything...you all are really encouraging on here. awesome people. thanks for katie drew for getting me on here. lost of thoughts and memories...more to come.
im getting married July 22nd. wish me luck.
find me on myspace.
~heather~
wow havent gotten on here in a few days. kinda like xwakeupcryingx. she found myspace. i blog there. everything all in one spot. kinda nice. even though i swore i would never join it. lame...i know.
but school's started again. i really like my classes.
my philosophy class is amazing. im really excited about the semester there. and all my theatre courses are awesome. im taking a play analysis class where we analyze events and why they happen and what causes them. every single line. very interesting.
oh and david and i set a date for the wedding today. pretty exciting there.
so bender...youre going to have to come home for that.
but to be honest im really tired. anxious but tired. so im going to go to bed. and sorry i missed your calls the other day. :( i was working out.
and for the record...we'll have to go snowboarding when you get home. itll give me a good chance to practice. weee.
be the moon...reflect the son....
one problem.
jesus. ive gotten away from him in the past few weeks. and i may be content with my worldly life. but spiritually i feel starved. i need god more than ever and more than anything. he is my source of happiness and he has blessed me more than i could ever imagine. he's blessed me with david, his family, school, my family, everything i could ever imagine. why cant i be faithful to him? give myself to him daily? i know its something i need to pray about, but im the stereotypical "i dont have time" girl. im just a plain jane who makes excuses. lame.
i do have time. i just spend it doing meaningless things that shouldnt occupy my time. i feel that this semester im finally taking classes i want to take, what interests me. reading writing and music thats what i love. and thats what im going to get to do. i love to think and reflect. and all my courses challenge me in that.
but im still neglecting jesus. so if you pray and feel inclined to, please pray for me and my relationship with christ. for consistent commitment to him. he is so deserving and i cannot fathom it.
i love you jesus.
thank you so much for everything. its all such a blessing.
praise you.
be the moon...reflect the son...something i need to do
so im not quite back in knoxville, yet, but we are abiding in nashville for the night. and here it is the morning. colorado was awesome. i learned to snowboard and did reach my goal of going down a black diamond without falling before we left. :) score. but it was an awesome week.
we all had a great time. on the last day i fell something awful and hurt my tail bone and david ran into a tree. katherine ran into a tree on the day before...and condo just didnt do good on a snowboard to begin with. david knocked himself unconcious on like wednesday i think? i wasnt there but from what i hear it was a bit hectic....david and laura's snowboards got lost on united and didnt get there until thursday, the day before we left...but hey better late than never
our last day was by far the most enjoyable. im only putting this on here because its a fun story to tell.
we got up around our normal 7 30 am mountain time, 9 30 am knoxville time. i called my mom because my rent hadnt been paid. luckily she took care of it.
we all went skiing for the day. we had lift tickets for like 5 places i think and so on our last day we didnt go back to Vail and went to BeaverCreek, which was right where we were staying. it was ok. i had a good time though, except for falling and david running into a tree. i didnt get to ski down with Bill, davids dad like i wanted to, which wasnt fun, but oh well. next year.
but then we all went back to the condo and super packed and then took our rental skis to where we got them, got something to eat and where on our way to the airport.
after stopping at a gas station we turned down a street to get turned around and got t-boned by an S-10.
mind you it was 6:00 and our flight left at 7:27, we were still 25 minutes from the airport.
we made it to the airport and to check-in at 6:57 and they wouldnt let us check our bags because it was too late. but for some reason they let us, with no guarantee that our bags or us would make it on the plane. keep in mind the denver airport is HUGE. after check in we all 6 LITERALLY SPRINTED to gate B-54, which involved 4 escalators, security, and two train rides through the airport, then sprinting to the gate.
let me tell you with a bruised tailbone those people movers running on them then jumping off onto not moving ground...OUCH.
david and laura about threw up, but we all six made it on the plane. AHHH!
got to nashville and of course...none of our bags came. oh well. we're all here and hopefully they'll come today.
i just woke up had some breakfast and now im good to go. i think laura, bill, david and i are going shopping.
so good times. ill be back in knoxville hopefully by tonight.
have a great day loves. talk to you later.
be the moon...reflect the son...
for kate:
so you think you know us? here's a quick biography. abridged of course.
beginning: washington d.c.
kate and i are narcoleptic and fall asleep in my car...we love yogging and mr. brightside. not mention we've got soul, but we're not soldiers. smoothie king rocks and so do maliems. wowzers we eat chicken, but not on mondays, well for kate atleast and our cheeks swell up. croutons arent good on just salad and im glad ian and trey are distant memories. pound puppies touch our hearts and we were smoking in the hallway. we know that common sense does come on a roll and depending on which way you're going down emory road, its on the left or the right. we have swimming and clairnet memories. hiwassee and tubing. good ole camping trips and painting with rocks. we've crossed tressels, literally and sworn there was ghosts behind that tree at hiwassee. so what if moms run into wal mart signs...its funny and we'll stop laughing when we're in strawberry heaven. yes WITH CAKE! we might get shot in flint, even though i dont know what that is, but i think its in canada, we'll be close. disneyworld was fun and marching through epcot in the a million degree weather in awesome awesome halls marching band uniforms. we were walking couch pillows. we enjoy dancing to aqua and talking to shawn and gary online. are we still dating them? come on barbie lets go party....we stay up and it snows. we should pull all nighters more often. we know what yinky is...and it rhymes with stinky. and we think its cute. we also know the connection yinky ~~>stinky~~~>sparky~~~>fiona apple. oh yes there is a connection. ipod dancing is fun, especially when the fountains are running near us. cookies and meat are our downfall, but we're getting there. we dont know how to lose inches, and we both have big badunkadunks. we're working on that. but the dog isnt fat so he cant join yet. honey isnt a cat, it was a dog. stuffed at that. the bone collector's dvd intro is creepy and waking up to is rough. 7th grade myrtle beach...kristi and lindsay. dont you live back there? yah so we passed it up...or cindy did. more than once. jeeks and smorks rocks, although i dont remember what they are. put your hand down...why are you smiling and well yah...benny is on the wrong side of the river. spuscles do have masms and we've had our pumpach stumped...chocolate and old ladies dont mix. i still cant believe that lady didnt have chocolate. yah and old pictures of heather in the chorus room window. silly jennifer. brittany used to do the dolphin and we would see a full moon. speaking of dolphins, do you know him? does he call you at home? we've played rummy among gravestones and enjoyed 4th of july like we're professionals. its the wild wild west and yes we did match. but no we're not twins, sisters, or cousins, just best friends. we enjoy japanese and italian. katie burps and says blue. me and courtney cant breathe. i ran around screaming flutter flutter and afterwards we had a bread eating contest. midnight snacks was leftover steak, A1 of course, popcorn, pickles and cereal. we found other things too. maybe it was called cuban pete and then afterwards Aintchagottadontyawanna hafta go to the bathroom? one time my mom attempted to pull kate's pants up around her boobs in her living room...that was funny. ohh josh smith and high dives...heck yes i did jump kate. green and yellow are complimenting colors. nick picks rock and so does falling in floors. that kinda hurt and i couldnt get up from laughter. we run into jackets on the elevator...but thats okay. we got off. yes debbie you're on the broadway exit. was that coming home from tsd? ohh tsd...and if we eat chili...we mess up..oops i messed up. it ended up in your mouth. sunshine....sunshine. wow raquel is tennis shoes...and that dog french kissed me. eric and brittney...wow. married with child. we've gotten older. wow. nsync and backstreet...we disagreed on that, but here we are now...yah for the killers and the honorary title. even though we dont know the words. we're unique. we're heather and kate...and vice versa.
end: kate getting married in a parking lot.
funny how some friends are there though everything....(<>_<>)
what exactly am i doing with my time? my break is umm...going by quickly? less than a month and ill be back in school. oh dear. but you know.
last night i had a blast i went to eat dinner with davids family and his grandparents. it was their 55th wedding anniversary. pretty amazing. then me, laura, lee, amy and david went to the college thing at someone's house...specific i know. it was for their church. and it was fun. my social anxiety kicked in a little...but you know. it was cool.
then we went back to the bartons to put together a puzzle and play apples to apples. with edward. haha good times.
when i woke up this morning i fed my crave for a waffle house chicken sandwich and hashbrowns that ive had for like 4 days now. now im good. :)
so im just wasting time for work...ebaying too!!! hehehe. okay ive gotten super tired and im deciding to take a nap...so suddenly...weeee
be the moon...reflect the son.
Introducing: The Spoon