alas. remove thy shoes and enter. please keep trampling to a minimum. there is a trampoline room.

god it is one of those helpless nights. one of those nights where i feel like i am never going to get up. he has said and done some terrible things to me. terrible things i cannot forget. i dont even know if i have forgiven them. i do not know what to do. at all. i have entered into this and i feel it was a huge mistake. i have given up so much. so much. and i need to give up more to make this work. i am finally doing it. i am finally doing theatre and i love it. and he asks me to give it up.
i dont know what to do. church. family. i gave up antioch. i was so happy there. so happy in you god. he said i am not filled with the holy spirit. god i dont agree. and then i get scared. i get so scared that i am lying to myself. i do not know what to do. help me oh please help me.
i want out. i want to run far far away
away from everything. except the people i love.
those are the only things keeping me here. not my husband.

help me oh lord.
help my heart.
forgive me and help him. help him to let me go. please let that be in your will. i do not see this as love and if it is, i do not want to be a part of it. i want your love god. i made a mistake. i did. i want far far away. please. please. please.
i have given up so much. i know you gave up more, but god...this hurts so badly.
i miss my family. i miss you god. i hate being depressed. i wasnt depressed until david. get satan away from me. please send him away.
i want to play guitar again. i want to love you god. i want to focus on you. i want to do theatre.
no one understands me. the bartons do not understand that. david doesnt understand. laura. amy. no one. god.
i am not being selfish. i am being self-preservant. oh please help.

save me.
please.
please. i want to stop crying. i just want it all to end.
he wont fight for me. he gives up so easily. he says he loves me but he does not show it. i know i shut him out, but he shut me out for so long.
please help the bitterness in my heart. i am not who i say i am at all if i feel this bitter. BUT HE HAS HURT ME. I LEFT MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS AND MY CHURCH TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. HE DOESNT LIKE MY FAMILY AND HE DOESNT LIKE MY FRIENDS AND WOULD NOT GO TO ANTIOCH.
AND I AM HORRIBLE BECAUSE I CANNOT FORGIVE THESE THINGS. ALL THE TIMES HE MADE ME FEEL HORRIBLE. ALL THE TIMES HE IGNORED ME FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALL THE SWEET KISSES I TRIED TO GIVE HIM AND HE PUSHED ME AWAY...
AND NOW HE IS WILLING TO RUN. I AM BURNT AND DOWN AND DEPRESSED. IN A HOLE THAT HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND AND NOW I AM SELFISH. NOW I AM THE ONE WHO IS CAUSING THE MARRIAGE TO FAIL. I AM THE ONE WHO IS NOT COMMITTING AND SINCE I CANNOT FORGIVE AND GET OVER IT, ITS MY FAULT.

WELL THEN.

ill take the blame.

be the moon...reflect the son...