well another night at the hodges library of UT. i hate not having internet access. the past few days i feel like i have grown more than i have all summer. quite a statement huh?

and one of the truest i have spoken in quite sometime.

here's my swpeal..(spelling?)

im extroverted. i love people and sometimes i make them my life, when they fail me. im crushed. ive lived my life from person to person. who i know at that point in time. ive been let down more times than i can count. everyone is going to let me down. its inevitable. my father. my mother. my friends. everyone.

(all of this excluding christ of course...)

this summer has been one unexpected lesson after another. patience. love. peace. and trust. this summer has been amazing for me. but at the same time, ive regressed. and in the end, ive fallen short once again.

one of my good friends told me the other night "you need people to make you happy..." and i thought "so what if i do?"...i shouldnt. if god gave me nothing more than his grace would i be satisfied.

no.

rough. thats rough. im selfish and think my problems are bigger than god's. how hypocritical is that?

tonight i went to go see kristi. i didnt want to. when i got there i remembered why i didnt want to. my cousin. kristi kaye tucker. we're both still babies. 3 months and 5 days apart. raised like sisters and now she just had Tysen Tucker. and he's in ICU. what a slap in the face.

what am i worried about? am i worried about not being loved? am i worried that some relationship i had hope in fell through. who cares. look at kristi. she is so strong. 19 and a mother. and a bold one at that. beautiful as ever. and i was so selfish. so naive about seeing her.

its ridiculous. im going to grow up. im washing my hands of this. of him. of whatever is burdening me because its not worth it. im going to be relaxed. worry free if you will because its all petty. love is down the road. its promised. im blessed as i am. why worry about anything else?

i love me. i love jesus. i love kate. i love school. i love ed and david. but everything but god will fail me. and ill fail all of them. especially god. i just know that i will get back up. i always have. always will. the bitter times make the sweet times sweeter and more enjoyable...when did i forget that?

where the heck have i been?

welcome back!

be the moon...reflect the son.