its strange to come back and read some of the things you wrote years ago, sometimes less sometimes more.
oh how we change.
the past few weeks i have been rather contemplative of my standing by the people and in the places that surround me. i have discovered that i have completely stripped away who i am and who i want to be.
imagine digging into someone's skin and leaving a wound. but instead of healing it, or getting medication to do so, you keep tearing and gnawing at the wound, not only making it worse, but making it so it is unable to heal.
i believe that is the most precise representation of my heart. i have neglected so much of who i am and my own identity in the past few months that ive been become this open wound that im afraid is never going to heal.
i cry so many times a day and even over the most minute things.
i have a void in my life and ive been trying to fill it. with anything that i think can satisfy me.
but as i was reading last night before i went to bed, i was reading an article that was a study on happiness and depression and the materialistic things that we attept to satisfy ourselves with. apparently, as most of you already know, materialistic things fail to satisfy our deepest desires. we search for instant gratification and satisfaction, but we always come up short. we can never seem to get enough.
and its so true. there is only one thing that can truly satisfy us and that is God. i am preparing to go on a trip with the youth at cedar springs presbyterian and i can tell you, if you bluntly ask God what is on your heart, and if it is pure and not self-seeking (to some degree) He will provide.
i have witnessed this on more than one occasion and He is faithful. 2 Corinthians 7:14 and Luke 18:1 want us to whole-heartedly seek God and continually ask for what we want. yes what we want.
God's way is not always so far astray from our own wants and desires. God wants us to be happy. he wants us to delight in Him. and we want to be happy and we want to delight. therefore, we can delight in god and trust that he knows what is best for us. as our parents do when we are younger, yet we do not know then, he knows what is best.
its amazing what god does in our lives. without us knowing. how everything is for the benefit of Him.
*****************************************************************************
i logged onto here to write a new blog and found this old one saved here, so i decided to keep it upon reading it. i wanted to get back into the habit of writing on here and using it as a source to find who i am. it's funny how we can retrograde back into what we used to do, something we thought made us happy at the time. i remember times when i lived with adam and logan, or when i lived in sequoyah hills and when i look back upon it, i think, i was happy and content then, but the truth is i wasnt. im trying to find happiness in my life through things and places, and i cant seem to do it. its interesting that i can imagine and create this place where i was happy and make myself think that i was when i really wasnt.
i guess all of this shows that looking to the past for hope is worthless and i should redirect my eyes to the future.
or i should just stop worrying and concentrate on the present.
easier said than done.
goodjobheather.
come back soon.thanks.
Long time..... no blogging.